#8 My Journey to the Mountains of Madness

To start off sorry for not posting anything lately lots of stuff  has been going on.  I had to go down to Louisiana for a family reunion.  I was in a car accident on my way back home.  I have been promoted to full-time, and some other small things.

To start off with my trip to Louisiana, my mom…*sigh* she can never make up her mind.  One day we were going the next day we were not, but she finally decided to go.  The drive took 8 hours and we had little rain from the hurricane.  We went down for my grandfathers birthday and the fact that he found out that has cancer again.  Just about the whole family was there seven our of eight sons and daughters minus four grand-kids.  I stayed three days  then drove back with my aunt and her husband.  I was driving her husbands truck when I was in the accident.  He had bald tires on the back and it had been raining, I was taking a five to ten degree turn and I tail wiped over corrected and made a 180  hit one wall with the passenger side the spun 45 more degrees hit the other wall with my front bumper.  This totaled the truck but only gave me an airbag burn on my left arm.  Thankfully I was wearing my seat belt  and nobody T-boned me when I was coming back across lanes.  I’m sorry I forgot to tell you where this happened, please forgive me.  I was on the interstate a two lane overpass on the east side of the city of Birmingham, AL.  I didn’t go to the hospital, the rescue squad guys that got there waved him by saying that I was fine, which I was.

I have officially been full-time as of 09/22/12 and am glad to get over 40 hours a week.  One for the money and two I get to work a lot.  It helps me mentally, on my days off like today I don’t have anything to do nothing to keep my mind from wondering.  It is so hard for me to focus lately, like it has taken me two hours to write this and counting.  I don’t know what I’m going to do to keep me occupied tomorrow for I return to work Wednesday.

Really big update

Okay guys I’m so sorry for not posting anything for like the past week.  Last Friday (8/31/12) I went to Louisiana for a family reunion and for my grandfathers birthday.  We just found out that he has cancer again, I don’t know what type besides it the fast-moving kind.  It was fun to see everyone again, it’s been a long time since we have a large family to get a good majority together.

The best part was that I was able to go to my old high school’s football on Saturday because of the hurricane.  I was able to see all of my clarinets and my old band director/mentor.  I was glad to see them and they were glad to see me, we hanged out talked about how the band was doing and the clarinets, which are not doing very good at all but it is the beginning of the year.  The only bad thing was that only three of my fiends that graduated with me were there.

I stayed there till Monday and drove to Alabama to my aunt’s house, but I didn’t get to make it there.  Why?  Well, I was driving my uncles truck, which had bald tires on the back.  In the rain.  Taking a turn.  On the interstate.  And I spun around hit one wall with the passenger side of the truck and came back across and nose first into the other, which stopped the truck pretty good I must say.  I made it out with only an airbag burn on my arm, I was really luck that no one T-boned me.  The truck was totaled and I lost my Rubik’s cube in the crash which was sad.

But now I’m going to Clarksville, TN on Wednesday to open a new store up there I live around Nashville so it’s not that bad of a drive only 1 hour.  So I’m getting ready for that.  On the mental side of things I’ve been good but every now and then I will get this feeling, an unnamed feeling like something is wrong but what I don’t know.  Does anybody else get this?

What a wonderful great night!

I hope you got the sarcasm.  It is 12:45 as I write this and I have to be at work 5:45.  I am most likely going to stay up all night, I have tossed and turned for about the past three to four hours.  Thinking about killing or cutting myself and killing other people.  Why do I think that?  The self-harm I do not mind but hurting others I am not okay with.  I try to help others, that is the main reason I got a level two first aid kit.  My phone is broken so no more text or calls for me, which makes me even more less social.

When I close my eyes to go to sleep I see flashing light, as if it is lightning.  I just can not sleep only think.  I am reminded of all the hallucination I have seen in the past that were forgotten.  They where people watching me, assassins, they where there and gone in a blink of the eye.  I only saw them twice and this was two years ago.

I can’t get my mind off the hug we had…it was the first time my brain has stopped.  It was just us and nothing else everything went away, all the pain, the stress, and the voices.  What is that song?  Ah this one:  Lifehouse- You and Me.  I love this part of the song

Cause it’s you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it’s you and me and all of the people
And I don’t know why
I can’t keep my eyes off of you

I guess that will be all for tonight/this morning what ever you would like to call it.

The reason I am still sane…

There was an elderly couple that used to come to the church I go to.  The husband was 94 and the wife was 83.  Both seemed like they could continue to live on forever.  Alas death came with a swift hand and took the wife in the middle of the night by a severe heart attack.  All was surprised by the fact that she had died first.  But to I what was profound was that she was his root to reality, if you will.  After she died he was in his own world, it was quite sad to at the viewing he had no idea who she was.  He would ask “Who is that?” to one of his family members about his wife or “Who are you?” to a sister or a brother, he had did not know who anybody was.

Why would I bring this up?  Well you see I have someone who makes me more sane/ less insane.  Every time we talk or text the voices stop, my mood brightens, and everything is better no matter how bad it was.  They are the only one that seem to care and are always there for me when I need to talk to someone and the one that gets me out of my head.

#7 My Journey to the Mountain of Madness

Well today (8-6-12) was not that great of a day.  I heard some voices at work, an older gentleman probably in his 30’s-40’s he said “Hey Scott!”  As usual there was no one talking to me nor another customer responding to someone calling their name.  Another was several female voices all saying “Scott, Scott, Scott, Scott!” I looked around seeing who it was that needed my help but no one was calling for a Scott.  I was bagging groceries at the time of this looking around like a meerkat would on it’s back legs.

The older gentleman is the most interesting one so far.  I heard him so clearly, he spoke as if he had much authority and power.  Also all the voices I have heard so far have been calling out to me.  Either saying hey or calling me by out by name, so at least they have a theme going.  The hardest part is that I know what is happening to me.  Should I/will I kill myself if this gets any worse?  Or since I know what is happening will I be able to stop it before it gets to that point?  

#6 My Journey to the Mountains of Madness

More about me hearing things and seeing things.  Seeing things, I was walking down the aisle and what I thought was a TV playing a show was actually a small blue box in front of a larger white box.  I am noticing that this is happening more often.

Hearing things, I am starting to hear added parts or voices in music that I hear.  Even the song that I m listening to as I write this I am hearing them.  It is as if there are more lyrics than there should be, and strange sound effects that fit the song but are not supposed to be there.  I used to listen to music all the time because I knew the songs so well but now I know I am hearing things.  Please keep in mind that this is just somethings of what I can tell is a hallucination.

#5 My Journey to the Mountains of Madness

Upon further observation of myself, I have found that I am starting to… misinterpret what I see.  Example would be seeing a black scarf and thinking it was a cat.  I have to take a double  glance at it, asking “we don’t cat?”  Also I am not understanding what people say, they have to say it around three times before I can fully understand what they are saying.  It’s like the words don’t make any sense to me.  Like it’s another language that I barely understand.  Is this how you start losing your grip on reality?  Is this how insanity, craziness, or being psychotic begins?

#4 My Journey to the Mountains of Madness

As I hear more and more hallucination, in my early stages of insanity.  They are becoming more real with every word.  Three fourths of me says its real but one fourth says it’s all in my head.  I feel that I am loosing my grip on reality, fading in and out.  If it continue like this I am sure I will lose my job, the only thing that’s keeping me going.

I need someone to talk to that cares and will listen.  I have tried telling my parents but they just think I’m on drugs.  I have tried telling K (my only friend) but she is never there when I need her.  My sister is the only one that is there for me and cares, but I only tell her a little bit never the whole thing.  I don’t trust anyone else to tell.

#3 My Journey to the Mountains of Madness

Every now and then I get these horrific thoughts.  Thoughts such as “If i take this corner faster turn a bit sharper I could roll this truck and maybe kill my sister.” Why would I do that to one out of the two people that actually care for me.  Some are of skinning people I work with alive, another reason I don’t carry a knife on me anymore.  Thoughts like smashing the brains out of someone.  Why…WHY do I think this!  Nobody hears me, people ask whats wrong but what can I say?  Oh I’m just thinking about killing you.  This is the reason I made this blog, so I can tell you about my life and you don’t know me and I don’t know you.

“I have looked upon all that the universe has to hold of horror, and even the skies of spring and the flowers of summer must even afterward be poison to me.” -H.P. Lovecraft

#2 My Journey to the Mountains of Madness

I found myself awake late at night, not wanting to go to sleep nor wanting to stay awake. If I go to sleep, I wake up every five to ten seconds to a loud horrific sound; sometimes it even sounds like something being electrocuted. I will wake up and have to live another day. If I stay awake I continue living this life, wishing I could go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare. I just can’t sleep with a head like this. I want to cry, I want to scream. My only motivation now is my job. I sleep, wake up, eat and repeat; only for my job.